An Open Letter to Forgiveness

Day 18/40

Dear Forgiveness,

You're a complicated friend. I mean that in the most loving way. I go a long time without thinking of or talking to you. I talk to you about a lot of people, some of whom I introduce you to. And there are some people I want to introduce you to but they aren't really in my life anymore and I don't think they'd be excited to meet you. Not in the way I think they should be. Maybe that's only because they wouldn't be excited to see me, though.

Even when I tell you all of the awful things someone did or said to me and I'm finally ready to introduce you, you're excited to meet them and give them your warmest smile. Sometimes thats the only thing they see. Thank God, because my demeanor isn't always kind. Sometimes it's prideful and passive aggressive. But once you're introduced and accepted, it's easy for me to smile at them again.

What I especially love is finding out we have mutual friends. It's so refreshing to know that the people I care about are your friend, too. We introduce you to each other a lot. Sometimes without actually saying your name.

I think the first person to introduce you to me was my sister. I bit her. She cried. And my mom made me tell her I was sorry. You came out from behind her back and smiled. She smiled, too. And we've been friends ever since. You've played a big role in mediating my relationship with my sister. I think you're the only reason her and I can be friends. You're the only reason I can be anyone's friend if I'm being honest. I've been introduced to you a million times.

Sometimes I'm not super happy to see you. Sometimes I'm ashamed that someone else is introducing you to me. I like introducing you, not meeting you. I don't want you to see me angry. I don't want you to see me in a position that makes it seem like I'm trying not to meet you, like I didn't do anything wrong. You meet me with tears in my eyes a lot. I would tell you I'm sorry, but I remember your name.

But I have the hardest time introducing you to myself. There are so many stupid things I do that I wish I could tell you about. But for some reason, even though you understand why I want to introduce you to other people, I talk myself out of letting you really get to know me. I think that's why I'm always trying to be right even when I know I'm wrong. I think that's why I ignore the things that I don't love about myself or the bad things that I've done. I don't like that you have to meet several different versions of me. So I try to always be the introducer. 

I'm thankful for your friendship. I hope we get to know each other better, or rather you get to know me better. You've always been a great friend, a fantastic listener, and sometimes a drop of rain in the desert. I hope that everyone who wants to meet you gets to soon. And I hope that everyone who wants to introduce you to someone else has the opportunity one day. 

I know you love meeting people. You're always so happy to meet me.

-The girl in the mirror