An Open Letter to My Twin

Day 16/40

Dear Rachel,

I have written and rewritten this letter many times through the last several years, my public display of affection for my precious twin sister. There are things I tell you constantly, and other things I've never told you. I hope I can finally find the words now.

Sometimes I forget about the endless debt we owe to each other. You are almost every reason I am the young woman that I am today. In the past I called it competition. I'm deciding now to call it unintentional encouragement. We set high standards for each other. Sometimes impossibly high. At times I expected you to be more than human. I only disappointed myself to remember that you're just as human as I am.

I recognize now how much I ignored your pain while you were healing mine. So many times I cut you with my tongue and you kept your mouth shut while choking back tears. Maybe it was because you could tell I was one insult away from going insane, or maybe it was because it would hurt you to hurt me. Either way, I thank you.

In many ways I wish I were more like you. I wish I didn't care so much what people think of me. I wish I were as outgoing as you, making fast friends with anyone you reveal your smile to. I wish I were as intentional as you are with every relationship in your life. You put everyone exactly where they need to be, and they listen to you with elephant-sized ears.

I am proud to be your "little" sister. When I watch you sing I wish I had the tenacity and perseverance to work at it as hard as you do. Your courage and bravery to follow your dreams is not lost on me. I've always been one to make the "safe" choice. But you always make the right choice, and sometimes the right choice has to be dangerous.

In one of the many poems I've written over the years, one that I wrote in a dark time of my life, I said that you, "hold me like I'm a dandelion and you're not ready to make a wish." I don't know what that meant to me then, but what it means to me now is that you've never let your impatience leave me behind. Or maybe it means you let the wind make a wish out of me, you let life take me where I need to go. 

Rachel, I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know how often I think about you and smile. I hope you know that no matter what happens I'll always be your #3 fan (behind Mom and Eric). I hope you know that when I don't cheer for you it's because I envy you. I hope you know that I forgive you for every fight before we ever even have them. I hope you know I read your letters to me all the time. I hope you know that you have always been a bright shining light in my life. Thank you for every smile, every hug, every laugh, every sleepover, every game night, every tear, every fight, every punch.

But most of all, Rachel, thank you for never letting me forget about Bekah. You believed in her when I didn't. You must know her better than I do. And she wanted me to tell you that she missed you.

I love you, Rachel. Now as I'm writing this, and now as you're reading it.

-Bekah