a letter to my younger self

last night i sat on the counter in John and Emily Stewart's kitchen. 

John Stewart has been quite the influence on my life. my fondest memory of him is from around 6th or 7th grade when my sister and i used to lead music for the children's ministry of our church. every sunday that we lead there we would force John to dance to the last song with is; we thought it was hilarious and so did the kids.

one thing to know about John is that he is literally a genius. he never reads for fun, only for education and for the development of his mind; but the man is still always reading something - he has something like seven books going right now.

so John was conducting an "experiment" out of one of his books by asking Aaron (my boyfriend), Emily (his wife), and i questions. here is a list of a few of the questions he asked us:

• if you could do anything you wanted all by yourself for one day what would it be?
• what is your most vivid childhood memory?
• what are you most thankful for?
• if you could wake up tomorrow with any ability or talent what would it be?

John is also a regular reader of my blogs (hi, John!). so before he asked this question he said "Bekah, i don't want you to answer this question, i think you should write a blog post about it." and without even knowing what the question was i agreed. he then asked "if you could tell your younger self anything, what would you tell them?"

immediately i was like "well, i am my younger self," but then immediately after i said that i realized, "well, i suppose i'm 5 minutes older than i was five minutes ago."

people learn new things everyday. their ideologies change, their morals change, their likes and dislikes change, their interests change, their relationships change.

i recognize the fact that i'm young. i recognize the fact that i still have a lot to learn and that i will never come close to knowing everything. i recognize that i will probably learn something today or within the next week that i will want my younger self to know, and i think that we all learn something new every day that we wish we had known before. so before you dismiss this blog because i'm too young to be giving my younger self advice, please know that i recognize that there is a lot left to learn.

so here's a letter to my younger self; inspired by John Stewart, but composed solely of my own thoughts and lessons.

to my younger self,

hi. i am you from the future. but i am also you from the past. i am you as you read this letter again and again as you grow. who knows if i'm writing this letter to myself five minutes ago or five months ago or five years ago; who knows if i'm writing this letter to myself five minutes from now, five months from now or five years from now. there is a lot for each young woman to learn and there is a lot for the future me to learn.

younger me, you need to learn to let go. you need to learn that you will never, ever, be able to make everyone happy. you will never be able to please everyone. you will never be happy as long as you try. i know how much you care for people and i know how much you always will. there is nothing you want more than for everyone to have what they need.

sometimes it's best to do something because that's what's best for you. all of your decisions can't be based on the way it'll make someone else feel; if you keep going down that path it will only lead you into destruction, it will only lead you to do things you never would have done otherwise, it will only lead you into a place you will regret you went.

things will get better. and when they get better they won't always be good. you have to recognize that just because you're sad doesn't mean that you're still depressed. everyone has bad days and everyone is sad sometimes; don't freak out. there will be days where it is hard to get out of bed in the morning. there will be days when it takes everything in you to pack your lunch and get yourself to class, but you'll do it.

there are people out there who love you. there are people out there you don't even know yet that will love you. there is someone right under your nose that will love you (lol - hey Grace. miss you). open your eyes and don't dismiss people just because you are afraid of rejection. don't keep yourself from making friends because you're afraid they won't like you. be yourself and the ones who stick around and pursue a relationship with you will be amazing.

but mostly, younger self, you don't know everything. you will never know everything. take pride in what you know but be humble with your words. be glad to learn but speak with kindness when you believe someone else to be wrong (because you might be the one who is wrong). don't believe what someone says just because they say it. you should never have to be told "i love you" - you should already know that they love you; but if they do tell you that they love you, you don't have to say it back. don't ever tell someone you love them if you don't. if you haven't learned yet, you will know soon enough what it feels like when someone does that to you.

i love you, younger self. i know that you don't love you, and i know that it will be a long time until you do; i am still learning how to now. and to my future self, i hope you have advice for both of us on how to love ourself. i know you know that it was hard. but i know that we will figure it out.

good luck, girl. hang in there. you can do it; i know because you already did.

- bekah