one step closer
this is going to be a very honest blog post. it isn't going to be exponentially sad, and i'm not asking for pity by writing this. i need to get this out and i need to be honest with myself; and to be honest with myself i need to be honest with you, too.
sometimes i get really down.
like, REALLY down.
i know that depression is "trendy" for people my age , but it is a haunting reality for some of us. depression was never something i bragged about or shared openly with people. only people that i am extremely close with have actually heard my testimony, and i tend to leave some parts out in order to spare what innocence is left in a listener's mind.
some mornings it takes everything in me to get out of bed. at the start of the new year, i started making my bed as soon as i got out of it to keep myself from getting back in it.
something in me just didn't think the day was worth going through. i will say that i am NOT suicidal, in fact i am quite content with the direction my life is moving in; but sometimes i just don't want to go through the day. i don't want to go to school, i don't want to pay attention, i don't want to talk to people, i don't want to complete assignments, i don't want to sit through a three hour lab, i don't want to drive and be stuck in traffic, i don't want to walk in the rain to class, i don't want to go to work and deal with people, i don't want to eat, i don't want to drink. sometimes all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep. that's all i feel like i have the energy to do.
and during these mornings, when i feel like leaving my bed is equivalent to death, i have to remind myself of all of the good things the day will bring. i know i will do good in school, i know i will smile, i know i will laugh, i know people will be happy that i am where i am, i know people will love me, i know i will learn something valuable, i know i will listen to good music in the car.
every day that i go through is one step closer:
one step closer to tomorrow
one step closer to next week
one step closer to next month
one step closer to next year
one step closer to graduating
one step closer to starting my career
one step closer to traveling the world
one step closer to having my first dog
one step closer to falling in love
one step closer to being in love
one step closer to being loved back
one step closer to being married
one step closer to having my first child
one step closer to having a bunch more
one step closer to having a family
one step closer to making our own christmas traditions
one step closer to watching my youngest graduate
one step closer to being the mother of the groom
one step closer to grandkids
one step closer to growing old with a man who loves me
i have gone through some hard times in my life, we all have. but everything that happens, and with everything you do, you are one step closer to the life you are meant to live.
there are going to be people you have to leave behind, there are going to be places you are going to have to go, there are going to be places you don't want to leave, there are going to be people who break your heart, there are going to be times when you feel alone, there are going to times when all you want is to be alone, there are going to be times when you feel like nothing is going right, there are going to be times where you feel like you are on top of the world, there are going to be times when you feel like something is right but it's completely wrong, there are going to be people who will love you for who you are and not for what you can be or do for them, there are going to be places you can't wait to leave, there are going to be people who travel far and wide to see you, there are going to be people who will promise you the sun but will completely fill your skies with storms and clouds and rain and lightning.
that is just the way life goes.
the good outweighs the bad.
going through the bad is worth it for the reward of the good.
learn how to make promises.
learn how to keep them.
promise yourself that everything will be okay.
everything will be okay.
sometimes i get really down.
like, REALLY down.
i know that depression is "trendy" for people my age , but it is a haunting reality for some of us. depression was never something i bragged about or shared openly with people. only people that i am extremely close with have actually heard my testimony, and i tend to leave some parts out in order to spare what innocence is left in a listener's mind.
some mornings it takes everything in me to get out of bed. at the start of the new year, i started making my bed as soon as i got out of it to keep myself from getting back in it.
something in me just didn't think the day was worth going through. i will say that i am NOT suicidal, in fact i am quite content with the direction my life is moving in; but sometimes i just don't want to go through the day. i don't want to go to school, i don't want to pay attention, i don't want to talk to people, i don't want to complete assignments, i don't want to sit through a three hour lab, i don't want to drive and be stuck in traffic, i don't want to walk in the rain to class, i don't want to go to work and deal with people, i don't want to eat, i don't want to drink. sometimes all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep. that's all i feel like i have the energy to do.
and during these mornings, when i feel like leaving my bed is equivalent to death, i have to remind myself of all of the good things the day will bring. i know i will do good in school, i know i will smile, i know i will laugh, i know people will be happy that i am where i am, i know people will love me, i know i will learn something valuable, i know i will listen to good music in the car.
every day that i go through is one step closer:
one step closer to tomorrow
one step closer to next week
one step closer to next month
one step closer to next year
one step closer to graduating
one step closer to starting my career
one step closer to traveling the world
one step closer to having my first dog
one step closer to falling in love
one step closer to being in love
one step closer to being loved back
one step closer to being married
one step closer to having my first child
one step closer to having a bunch more
one step closer to having a family
one step closer to making our own christmas traditions
one step closer to watching my youngest graduate
one step closer to being the mother of the groom
one step closer to grandkids
one step closer to growing old with a man who loves me
i have gone through some hard times in my life, we all have. but everything that happens, and with everything you do, you are one step closer to the life you are meant to live.
there are going to be people you have to leave behind, there are going to be places you are going to have to go, there are going to be places you don't want to leave, there are going to be people who break your heart, there are going to be times when you feel alone, there are going to times when all you want is to be alone, there are going to be times when you feel like nothing is going right, there are going to be times where you feel like you are on top of the world, there are going to be times when you feel like something is right but it's completely wrong, there are going to be people who will love you for who you are and not for what you can be or do for them, there are going to be places you can't wait to leave, there are going to be people who travel far and wide to see you, there are going to be people who will promise you the sun but will completely fill your skies with storms and clouds and rain and lightning.
that is just the way life goes.
the good outweighs the bad.
going through the bad is worth it for the reward of the good.
learn how to make promises.
learn how to keep them.
promise yourself that everything will be okay.
everything will be okay.
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