decisions.

one of the most amazing things to recognize is the way life moves. each day is never the same as tomorrow or yesterday, though the schedule may be identical.

the conversations we have are different every day. the thoughts we have are different. the decisions we make are different. let's focus on the latter.

what is a decision? it is a judgement, a resolution, a determination.

each day you have decisions to make. even as a fetus we make decisions. the size or importance of a decision doesn't change the fact that it is, indeed, a decision. sometimes even the smallest decisions can have the biggest consequences or the biggest rewards.

for example...

• deciding to take the interstate instead of the backroads might result in hitting heavy traffic or getting in a car accident; it could also result in getting to your destination earlier and meeting someone or experiencing something that changes your life in a good way.
• deciding to listen to your parents when they tell you that the person you are trying to be friends with is not a good person to be friends with might result in them being right and that person will break your heart (which is very likely); but it might also result in having a great lifelong friend and proving your parents wrong (though that is very unlikely. parents are always right. listen to your parents).
• deciding to go to this movie theatre instead of that movie theatre may result in you being present in a terrorist shooting; or you could have the entire theatre to yourself, distraction free.
• deciding to leave the door unlocked might result in a break in or a robbery or the escape of a pet; but you might come back and everything be just the way you left it.
• deciding to skip class and take a nap instead might result in missing out on important information about the upcoming test; but it could also result in an amazing dream and good sleep that you were so glad you got instead of sitting through the most boring class in existence (before you ask, no, i have never done this).
• deciding to go to your favorite coffee shop instead of laying in bed on a friday afternoon might result in the unwanted interaction of someone you barely know who pretends to be a close friend when they see you what seems like once a year; or it could result in the best poem you've ever written, or the meeting of a new friend who likes the same author as you.
• deciding to text that friend and apologize rather than letting things fester and eventually fade away may result in that person being unkind and hateful towards you; but it may also allow your friendship to grow and for healing to take place where there would've forever been a hole.

this isn't meant to invoke anxiety. this is meant to open your mind to the importance of the decisions that you make. the point is, no matter how big or small a decision may seem in foresight, it might have a bigger purpose in hindsight.

i have made many, many bad decisions in the short time i have been on earth. i have been friends with bad people, had relationships with toxic people, said things i shouldn't have said, done things i was warned not to do, eaten things that made me sick, gone places i had no business going, and trusted people i shouldn't have trusted.

the important thing to remember about bad decisions is that you must learn something from them. when you are stuck in the consequences and realize that horrific result of a dumb choice you made, you must choose to learn from it instead of letting it soak in the pit of your stomach and make you despise yourself. and you must also remember that it was, indeed, a choice you made, which must mean that you must've thought it was a better decision than a different one you might've had a choice to make. 

but i have also made many, many great decisions in my life. i have gone to places where i made amazing memories, i have met so many beautiful people, i have had good friends, i have had relationships that taught me valuable lessons even if the relationship didn't work out in the end, i have said things that brought life and joy to people, i have done things that resulted in joy for me and the people around me, i have eaten things that nourished my body, and i have trusted people who have yet to break that trust.

but most importantly, i have chosen to love. i have chosen to love people who love me back and i have chosen to love people who didn't love me back; but choosing love is always the right decision. it is never wrong to love someone. 

but love is deceitful sometimes. it makes you blind, it makes you believe things that aren't true, it makes you hope for things that will never come, and if they do come they will never stay. it will make you want things you never knew you wanted, it will make you think things you never thought before, it will make you want life to slow down and hurry up all at the same time.

that is why it is so important to know yourself. if you know yourself, love cannot deceive you.

... back to decisions...

sometimes the right decision feels like the wrong one because you know what the consequences will be. and sometimes you have to make a hard decision to make up for wrong decision. and sometimes you'll let bad decisions dig you into a deep hole and wonder how you'll ever climb your way back out of it. if you haven't been there yet, you will be. if you haven't been there yet, you might be now and not even realize it. 

when you face this, it is important to have the ability to forgive yourself. if you cant forgive yourself, you're basically letting yourself be buried beneath the dirt of your guilt and now not only are you down in a 100-foot-deep hole, but now you're buried beneath thousands of pounds of rocks and dirt. now it is even more difficult to get out - but it is not impossible. once you forgive yourself, you must be willing to get your hands dirty. you have to dig your way out.

you're going to have to tell you parents the truth. you are going to have to apologize to that girl for what you did to her. you are going to have to return the things you stole. you are going to have to tell that friend the rumors you spread about them. you are going to have to admit to your boyfriend that you cheated on him. you are going to have to apologize to that girl that was a little bit different for pointing and laughing when everyone else did instead of standing up for her. 

all of these things are going to be hard to do. it will take a lot of courage and strength and humbleness and understanding. some of these people will not forgive you. some of them will hate you. some of them will reject you and your apology. some people will never trust you again. it will suck. but that's not the point. if you do the right thing, then it doesn't matter what their response is. no matter how bad it feels to face the consequences, it will be so much better than holding it in.

and there will be people who will forgive you, who will thank you, and who will accept you. and a lot of these people will respect you for telling the truth and for going out of your way to apologize. these moments will make you feel a million times better. that is a guarantee.

sometimes the bad decision seems like the most fun decision. sometimes the bad decision is the decision you want to make even though you know it is the wrong one. sometimes the right decision is going to feel like a bad one. sometimes you're faced with two things that seem like the wrong decision. but you still have to make a choice. and there is always something inside you that is telling you what the right decision is. 

listen to it.

trust yourself.

love yourself enough to start making the right decision.