The Past Year
it has been almost an entire year since i last posted on this blog. there is no specific reason why. i have not quit writing in the slightest. i have not felt uninspired. i have not given up on the simple beauties. i have not ignored the joy of everyday; or the sorrows they somehow also bring in the midst.
i have changed a lot since the last time i wrote. i have met many new people and have grown away from many as well. i have gone to new places and visited others for the last time.
people have been bringing up this blog to me time and time again, telling me i need to post. but when there is so much life pouring in, you just don't know what to write about. you can't write about one thing because you feel like you're ignoring something else. and there are some things you simply can't write about because you don't want people in your business.
i get emotional thinking about all that has happened since the last time i posted. my life has changed immensely. they say that you change a lot in your younger years, and i never believed them until recently. I think about who i was a year ago and i'm surprised. i graduated high school just 2 years ago and i don't even really recognize her.
and i can't decide if that makes me hopeful or scared. am i being shaped by people and situations around me in a positive or negative way? am i not cautious enough? or am i too cautious?
there is still so much life inside of me; so much that i want to experience. but i also feel as though i'm stuck in a bubble of what i'm supposed to be doing.
i am going to graduate college in a year. i'm going to get a real job, have a career. one day i will get married and have a family. i'll buy a home. and all of these things are things that i want, but there is so much more.
i want to travel the world. i want to be spontaneous and take weekend trips to mountains and lakes and cities that i had never thought about before. i want to smile at stars and weep at sunrises because that is what life is about.
but i feel constrained. while i want all of these things, i feel like i have to decide between two different lives. i either choose a normal life, with neighborhoods and picket fences; or i can be the drifter that so many meet and somehow remember without really remembering my name.
because my heart doesn't belong in a place, but it belongs in people. the more people i meet, the more i realize that they have a piece of me. and as cliche and ridiculous as that sounds, it's actually rather profound considering that i used to hate everyone at one point in my life.
i'm scared of life but i also want so badly for it to be everything it can possibly be. and i'm scared i will never be able to fill my life enough. i am capable of anything but i simply can't do everything -- i can't be in two places at once; i can't do two things at once; i can't have two conversations at once.
being young is exciting but it also seems unfair. i wish there was a way to see the ways your life would play out before you have to choose which path to take, but that would spoil it.
i love life. but i also want more than i can possibly be offered.
and that makes all the difference.
i have changed a lot since the last time i wrote. i have met many new people and have grown away from many as well. i have gone to new places and visited others for the last time.
people have been bringing up this blog to me time and time again, telling me i need to post. but when there is so much life pouring in, you just don't know what to write about. you can't write about one thing because you feel like you're ignoring something else. and there are some things you simply can't write about because you don't want people in your business.
i get emotional thinking about all that has happened since the last time i posted. my life has changed immensely. they say that you change a lot in your younger years, and i never believed them until recently. I think about who i was a year ago and i'm surprised. i graduated high school just 2 years ago and i don't even really recognize her.
and i can't decide if that makes me hopeful or scared. am i being shaped by people and situations around me in a positive or negative way? am i not cautious enough? or am i too cautious?
there is still so much life inside of me; so much that i want to experience. but i also feel as though i'm stuck in a bubble of what i'm supposed to be doing.
i am going to graduate college in a year. i'm going to get a real job, have a career. one day i will get married and have a family. i'll buy a home. and all of these things are things that i want, but there is so much more.
i want to travel the world. i want to be spontaneous and take weekend trips to mountains and lakes and cities that i had never thought about before. i want to smile at stars and weep at sunrises because that is what life is about.
but i feel constrained. while i want all of these things, i feel like i have to decide between two different lives. i either choose a normal life, with neighborhoods and picket fences; or i can be the drifter that so many meet and somehow remember without really remembering my name.
because my heart doesn't belong in a place, but it belongs in people. the more people i meet, the more i realize that they have a piece of me. and as cliche and ridiculous as that sounds, it's actually rather profound considering that i used to hate everyone at one point in my life.
i'm scared of life but i also want so badly for it to be everything it can possibly be. and i'm scared i will never be able to fill my life enough. i am capable of anything but i simply can't do everything -- i can't be in two places at once; i can't do two things at once; i can't have two conversations at once.
being young is exciting but it also seems unfair. i wish there was a way to see the ways your life would play out before you have to choose which path to take, but that would spoil it.
i love life. but i also want more than i can possibly be offered.
and that makes all the difference.
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