Being 24 is Awful.

I have found that the older I get the less I know. I remember thinking as a child that when I was 24, I would know so much. I remember thinking at 18 that I already knew everything, so it was only up from here. And I remember thinking at 23 that my whole life was planned and, yet again, I was wrong.

Now here I am at 24. 24 is probably the worst age someone can possibly be. You're too old to sit at the kids table but too young to talk at the adult table. Instead of being afraid of the dark, you're scared of people. And if you're anything like me, the people you weren't afraid of were the ones you should've been the most afraid of. Or at least that's the way it seems when you're 24.

If you're reading this and you've been 24 before, you know what I mean. Maybe 24 to me was 22 or 28 to you. But you know what I mean. There are no things that are decided. I have no clue where I will live in the next year, or who I will know. I have no idea what I am going to do with the rest of the life despite spending three years and tens of thousands of dollars on an institution that was supposed to help me decide. I have simultaneously experienced so much but done so little.

So I guess what I'm asking for is a little bit of understanding. Someone to listen without acting like they were never 24 and scared of everything. Listen to what I think and how I process the little that I have experienced without paying attention to the fact that there is so little.

So if you want to listen, here you go. And please, if you have advice you think I haven't heard before, feel free to share.

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Dear Reader,

Hello. My name is Bekah Oldham. I am 24 and I am scared. Not the kind of scared that makes you pull the covers over your head and stop breathing so you can hear better. The kind of scared that makes you wonder why God put you on this Earth.

Don't misunderstand me, I am thankful for the opportunity to live. I have a good life. But I am scared because I don't know how to use it. Like when your dad asks you to use a circular saw for the first time and you feel like it'll kill you if you so much as breathe near it.

I know that once I figure out how to use my life I will be able to do so effectively. But figuring it out is the hard part. Why did God put me here? Why was I born in Louisville, Kentucky, to Loren and Becky Oldham in 1998? Was I born just to wonder why I was born? I hope not!

I know that one day in a few years I will look back and laugh. But what do I do until then? Wait around for the reason to fall in my lap? Do I search high and low like it can be found in a scavenger hunt? Prayer is not lost on me, I've been doing that for years.

I'm tired. Exhausted at times. When will it come? Tell me that it's as soon as I stop wanting it.

Sincerely,

A terrified barely-24-year-old woman.